The one about My Obsession

It is official. I am a typical American consumerist bastard. I have become ridiculously obsessed with home entertainment. In the last month I have acquired an HDTV and a 5.1 surround system. I wont say by what means, but I stole them. Thats not true. Seriously. Joe, from the FBI, my official statement is I didn't steal them. You'll never take me alive. I just can't stop working on making my system better and higher quality. I built stands for the speakers and hijacked my DVD player from my parents, which I was letting them borrow. Hey, it's mine. Anyway, I feel dirty. When I watch Jay Leno in amazing HD, so amazing it's like you could touch his illegally huge chin, with 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound I think of the children. The children in Africa. Not the hungry ones. The ones who live in huts and don't have HDTV. It's not because they cant afford it, it is simply because Time Warner hasn't figured out a way to exploit them into paying for better signal strength. So I just want to have a Michael Jackson type sleepover, minus the rape, so that all the oppressed African children can see how truly large Leno's chin is. I mean it's monstrous. You could land not only a plane but a fleet of planes on it. It's really big. Seriously. Google it. Really.

Travis

The one about The Mission

As I am sure you have noticed. I am white. Very white. But for some reason when late night hits I love to force my iTunes (against it's will) to play Hip Hop. There is just something about dancing in the dark when no one can see you. I just thought how funny the previous sentence could be if "dancing" was replaced with "killing" or "making counterfeit money". So as I write this I am dancing the robot and lawnmower to Hip Hop. Jealous? Yes, I mean being jealous of a white kid dancing by himself in his room, in kakis and birkenstocks. Whatever. Tonight was a special night. I had awoke this morning with the exciting self-assigned mission to watch "The Incredible Hulk" circa 2008 with my new surround sound I got from Santa. (Thanks mythical jackass who ruined my childhood) Having finished this amazing piece of theatrical beauty I thought back to Ang Lee's "Hulk" circa 2003. I had seen this film five years ago and fell asleep during it. The only film ever that wins the completely worthless prize of being better than Nyquil. So I decided to watch the film. I jumped on to my favorite movie streaming site and began the fun (torture). I soon realized, five minutes into the seven minute intro, why the "Hulk" film adaption had been remade. Ang Lee's version is comparable to if Satan and Ron Jeremy made a child and that child ate a baby seal while they are both simultaneously being fed into a wood chipper and the "baby-seal chips" are being shot into an Alzheimer suffering, blind, elderly woman who wondered away from her home. It's bad. In fact, I couldn't watch it. Literally. I turned it off after 17 minutes of nothing. No action, no boobs, no Hip Hop. I've never seen any of Ang Lee's films. I don't count "Hulk" since I physically can't watch it. Falling asleep or otherwise. I don't plan to dip into any of Ang Lee's films ever again. Unless I need to put my self into a two hour coma or if I can't get a woman to leave my house. Ang Lee's "Hulk" should be the new form of "enhanced interrogation" the government loves to talk about. Just strap the poor bastard in. Thats just awful, no one deserves that.  

Travis

The one with The New Year Wish

Well comrades we made it. It's 2009 and everything is great. The economy is crashing, the government can't find the 700 billion we loaned them for them to loan, and I'll probably be water boarded for saying "comrades". Speaking of the dirty reds, (more patriotic I trust) Cuba is celebrating 50 wonderful years of shared wealth, driving old cars, and the U.S. embargo. AKA 50 years of kick-ass Communism. All right! Way to go Cuba. Momma is proud of you. Anyway, as I mentioned its a new year, and if you are still in your liquor induced comma you needed me to say that again. 2009 means exciting things to come! Well actually the only things I can think of are we are one year closer to humankind being annihilated in 2012 according to the Mayans and that Large Hadron Collider is supposed to create a black hole sometime this summer. Man, I love conspiracy theorists. Remember that cult that all wore Nikes and poisoned themselves with the brilliant idea to catch a ride on Halles Comet? No? Me neither. But I hope something along those lines happens in 2012. Like perhaps a group of people band together to create a human ladder that reaches into space only to discover their mothership only accepts members with rattails. So only that douche Jimbo from back in the ninth grade gets to go. Whoa, that would make a great MTV True Life. "I just got left behind by my mothership because I wasn't redneck enough." Those interviews would be hilarious. But this all hinges in that damn Mayan calender. Its funny how people believe that the Mayans could predict the extinction of the human race, but not their own race. Thats like saying, "My dad was president, why can't I?" Okay now I'm definitely getting water boarded. 

Travis

The one with People and Their Social Networking

For the love of god stop it. You know who you sad people are. Displaying your emotions via your status on Facebook. Come on. I'll admit. I have a Facebook. Its great to use to stay in contact with high school friends ect. But not so great for broadcasting that Cindy just broke up with you and your life is over because you status says "John is done trying." Fall down a well you slobbering fool. I'm all for being sad after a break up. But grieving and opening up through a social networking site? Some people seem to think its logical. Twitter comes to mind. People are able to send updates via phone on exactly what is happening to them at that very moment. Those people that are subscribed to you get your update sent to them. So your eating dinner with your wife. Your phone rings. Text message. "Adam is pooping." You let your wife know. She's elated because her last update from Adam said he couldn't make a bowel movement. She says 'Thank god'. You send an update to twitter saying its funny that she said that because she is an Atheist and it was an oxymoron for her to say it, which projects your superior intellect. She kicks you in the balls and divorces you. And the cycle continues. You see how this can become a problem. Its mostly an issue in younger users. This is because they still think people care. They still believe with that little childhood innocence that the world cares that Billy sent you a note in 3rd period. They have yet to discover that the world doesn't care if you die. You know, no one does. Oh my god. No one cares about me! Im going to go put this on Facebook immediately! "Travis just discovered no one cares about him. Boo hoo."

Travis

The one about The Bizarreness of Celebrities

Lets start this party with a list of people that I can not logically find a reason why they are famous. Deal? Well you actually have no choice. 

Here they are:

Paris Hilton

Jamie Lynn Spears

Tila Tequila

Mel Gibson

Pamela Anderson

Ashton Kutcher

Zac Efron

Andrew Dice Clay

Rosie O'Donnell

The entire cast of MTV's "The Hills"

And thats just my short list! I keep my full list in my bathroom. For some reason the smell of my toilet reminds me of these kind of people. You'll notice this list includes people who have been in movies. Shouldn't they just be famous because of their movies? You'll also notice, after a little detective work, that those movies are horrid.  So the answer to your question is no. Stop questioning me. The above list of people are undeniably famous. However they are also undeniably some of the most talentless people on this planet. The first three alone are famous because of either being a drunk slut, being pregnant and severely underage, and finally Myspace. Bizarre eh? Why do we slobber over people who would likely fail the U.S. citizenship test? The above people that were in films are famous for acting like other people. How ridiculous is that?! I also think it is comical that at some point each year celebrities leave their mansions (some even put on underwear for the first time since they last bought a calender) to give awards to each other for a job well done. Another thing that is so crazy to me is that it is always us and them. They are famous, they are rich, THEY. We forget they are normal people. I don't recall who, because I don't care, but some celebrity blew her nose on a late show last week and the tissue is being auctioned on eBay. Thats a knee slapper. However I hear because of the recession shot-filled tissue display boxes are on sale. How do you brag about that? "I just bought Brad Pitt's tissue. It's on the mantel. Check it out." After that phrase is uttered your sanity level drops 10%. Come on people. Get over celebrities.  

Travis

The one with Over Indulgence

I've just realized, to my dismay, that the previously mentioned mario mushroom would not grant me another life because of the loss of my 9, but only make me a larger version of myself. How disheartening. Anyway, I just returned from a local 5 star restaurant. As I passed the coat check and pushed through the tall glass doors I thought of how much food I had just consumed. Too much no doubt. My Americanism in the form of my hairy steak-filled belly protruding from my shirt was all too apparent. This is hard to think about for all of us. How much we have, how much we don't give. Looking at the economy, maybe God has blessed the U.S.A. enough. I mean, we say it all the time. Nearly every presidential speech is ended with "God bless America". There is even a few songs about the subject. (They are miserable pieces of music) I think it's high time we stop saying it and start seeing it. God should put us in time out. We've been bad. Spending money we don't have and being greedy with the money we do have. In the words of the wise Ben Folds "He should go bless someone else for a while and give us a rest."

Travis

The one about My Commission and Near Death

I almost died today. I'm probably over stating the situation, but it was sobering. I was driving and nearly flipped my Jeep. If I would've it would have been at least a 5 car pile-up. I was listening to rap music, most certainly the cause. Yet another reason Tipper Gore was sent by God to destroy the rap movement. If you could call it that. On to better things. I began today what I consider my first real commission as an artist. It is a 3 panel screen print. It is being printed on Bristol paper, which is my favorite. Touching a piece of Bristol is like touching a large piece of raw meat. You are excited about what it could be. Sorry PETA, that was unfavorable to you. The commission was from a close friend of mine. He insisted I take his money. Being the cliché poor starving artist, I couldn't refuse. Seems quite disgusting to me. But what was I to do? The economy is crashing. I would've done the commission for 2 gallons of milk. That was a lie. I wouldn't have. But you understand. There is a blizzard warning in effect for my area and I couldn't be more excited. Blizzards are kind of like that shuffle setting. There is so much uncertainty. I love that. So here's to throwing my fate to the wind, hoping today's near death doesn't count against my 9 lives. If it does, this blizzard should be the end of me. I'm probably out of lives. If only I could get one of those mario mushrooms to drop down from the sky...

Travis

The one that's Long Over Due

Its been awhile. That is because I half assed the idea of a blog. Here I sit in my room, nearly 1am. Listening to my music on shuffle. Shuffle is a pretty cool idea. The uncertainty of it is pretty amazing. I find myself enjoying songs from bands that I hate, not knowing it's them. Right now this applies to Nickelback. I hate them. But I'm liking this song right now. Anyway, school is going well. Challenging yet fun. Im learning a lot about myself and my art. Christmas break is overdue but bittersweet. I am still creating as an artist. But it's hard not to have prompts to answer. This must mean that in order for me to create I have to achieve something in doing so. I hope this isn't the case. That would be unfortunate. 

Travis